I’d really just like to not be here anymore. It feels like my life is going nowhere. I just want to leave and start a new life from scratch somewhere new. I could leave Indiana, get my own place, use a new name, get some crap job where no one knows me and doesn’t bother me. If I could save up enough money, I think I would really do it. The ideal would be if I could find someone to run to. I keep hoping I’ll meet someone on okcupid who will sweep me off my feet and make running look like a viable option. Every time I message a guy or girl from far away, I hope that this is going to be the one that helps me escape my life.
Last night I had a dream that I moved to Chicago on a whim, and I contacted Miten Soni (guy from youtube I think is swell). I told him that I didn’t know anyone in the city and I would be very grateful if we could meet up and he could give me some tips on getting acclimated. Anyway, we met for coffee and he liked me (and I, of course, liked him cause he’s Miten and everyone knows I have a crush on him) and we became friends. It was excellent.
But it’s all just romantic fantasies. Real life isn’t like that and I’m no one’s dream girl. I’d settle for someone to make staying in Indiana tolerable for a while, but even that seems like a pipe dream. The only people I like in the area seem to have lost interest in me or something. And by “people” I mean”person.” I think I let him see too much of the dark in me and he decided it’s not worth it. I kinda thought he might be the one guy that’s different, but no one is really different. And no one ever really knows anyone.
That’s why I just wanna carve a little hole in the world for myself and crawl in it alone forever. Disappear.
Maybe one day soon I’ll find the courage to make good on that. I like Kentucky quite a bit.

I’m batshit insane

No, seriously.

I think that I might be making slight perforations in the fabric of my reality. One of my favorite books is Girl, Interrupted, and in that book they say that insanity can come over you slowly or it can crash over you like a tidal wave. I feel like I’m on the slow train to crazy, but I’m getting there one day.

Sometimes I’m convinced something happened, but it didn’t. It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but if you took up residence in my head for a while you would see that I’m not being melodramatic about this shit. I could recount a dozen stories about hearing things and seeing things, but that’s all just details.

The thing that has me most convinced that I’m losing it is just my general outlook. I don’t know if that’s the right word.
I’m scared all the time is what I’m trying to say. Constantly terrified of things I don’t even believe are going to happen to me. I don’t believe in ghosts or an afterlife or monsters or anything supernatural. But I spend every waking moment waiting for something horrific and supernatural to happen to me. I keep expecting to turn a corner and suddenly be confronted with a malevolent spirit or some shit. Like the universe is dark and terrifying and it doesn’t like my disbelief, so as a “fuck you” to me, it’s going to kill me in some painful and scary way. I’m going to die scared and alone with my last thought being that it was all real and I should have known.

Anyway, that’s the cliffnotes on some of what I’m thinking right now.
No one should ever get involved with me in any fashion. I’m bad fucking news.

Another pointless diatribe

So my brother Alex is over at my mom’s apartment for Christmas yesterday. And we’re sitting around, chatting about bullshit, just shooting the breeze. Well somehow we got on the topic of television (probably because my whole fucking existence revolves around my shows). I don’t remember the details of the exchange, but I know that I made a comment about reading fanfiction and generally obsessing over shows, and my asshole brother scoffs. I mean, he makes the most condescending little “pfft” noise you ever did hear. I told him to suck my dick, of course, but that’s not really the point.

The point–the crux of the matter– is that no one really understands why these shows mean so much to me. And because people can’t seem to grasp the reason I get so worked up about them, they don’t respect it the way they should.
Let me try to break it down for you.

Life, for me anyway, is just vast stretches of monotonous boredom and stale disappointment punctuated by fleeting moments of acute emotion (anger, joy, fear, grief, etc.). 90% of the time I’m just sitting on my ass or standing at the sidelines waiting for something to fucking happen in my lackluster little existence. And during that time I mostly think a lot. I’m not trying to sound pretentious or “deep,” I’m simply saying that I am, by nature, an introspective person. So I have thoughts, and I have feelings about my thoughts, and I have feelings about my feelings, and so on and so forth.
But how does a person express all that? Humans need some kind of outlet for emotional release (barring sociopaths and whatnot).
I’m not one of you creative types. I get along best with those people, sure, but I’m not one of them–I can’t participate in the making of art in any of it’s forms. You’re never going to see me doodling, or sculpting, or jotting down poetry, or thinking up stories.
I’m also not someone who physically exerts themselves. I’ve got friends who, when they get upset or even when they feel accomplished, will go for a run, or shoot hoops, or work out. Hell, I know people who play video games as a form of catharsis. I have no skill and take no joy in these areas.
And I don’t feel better talking things out. You know how people say “punch a pillow when you’re upset?” If I do that I just get more worked up and feel like I wasted time and energy; it’s the same thing with “venting.” I say words to my therapist or a close friend, but it gives me no release.

So the million dollar question: How do I achieve a cathartic release?

You guessed it. My shows.
I get involved in shows that make me feel things. I become invested in the characters and their lives, and when things happen to them I get to feel it. I feel it in ways I can’t feel the events of my own life. I laugh and grin like an idiot and sometimes I get to be hopeful about the future. The best is when a show makes me cry. The West Wing, Buffy, Angel, Supernatural, The Pacific, Sports Night, Studio 60, The Social Network (movies work too), Doctor Who… I cry and it’s the release I need to stay sane.
When people knock my shows and my devotion to them, it’s like mocking my religion.  I believe in the power of stories–that these characters can bring my emotions to the forefront and make me feel alive… that sort of raw humanity can change the world. We’re all connected. John Green reminds us that ”there are billions of people like [you], and we are each stuck inside of our minds, feverishly trying to crawl out to make connections with other people.”
Television, movies, books, fanfiction, internet communities… these are all mediums I use to connect to other human beings. That is my life’s work. So don’t act like you’re better than me because you don’t take television seriously like I do. I spend my free time searching for new ways to feel alive and connected to my humanity while you jerk off and listen to dubstep.
As I said to my asshole brother: suck my dick.

Feelings are bullshit.

Tony: I miss him, I want him back, I never should have let him go in the first place, blah blah blah. Of course all that is obvious. But I don’t deserve him back. Lauren was right at the start of the semester: Tony has had a hard time this past year and I was part of that. He is deserving of a fresh start and a chance at moving on to a better life. He has this blonde new girlfriend and maybe she’s good for him. Maybe she’s the fucking anti-christ, but it doesn’t matter because Tony wants to be someone different up there in Ft. Wayne. He’s happier now, and as much as I would like to be part of his life, it’s just not in the cards.

Jacob: To add a confusing layer to my already-fucked-up concoction of feelings, he’s being all charming again. I keep falling back on these guys from my past because I just feel comfortable when they already know me. If they’ve known me for years because of school or whatever, then there’s little pressure to be interesting or funny. I can just slip back into the persona I adopted for school and be fine. It’s less pressure.
UPDATE: Fuck this noise. It’s too much work with this guy. Jesus, it’s like pulling teeth just getting him to come the slightest bit out of his shell. Friendship is the only thing in our future as far as I’m concerned.

OKCupid: Between Justin and Matthew and the others, I’m being pulled in like 10 different directions.
And the thing that’s the most troubling about everything is…
I’m way more gay than I thought I was.
UPDATE: Not so much anymore. Justin was terribly fucking dull and I told him to get lost. Most other have fallen by the wayside with him.

I’m finding that my tendency toward girls is getting stronger. I used to think I was a solid 85% straight, but these days it feels more like 55:45 ratio, ya know?

In summation: I’m falling apart at the seams.
Also, I’ve been hearing things. But my total and complete insanity has to be put on the back-burner. Sure, I’m batshit insane, but why dwell on that when there’s moderate romantic drama to suss out?

Because he’s always felt, he’s always known it; and maybe that doesn’t make it worse, maybe that’s the lynchpin and the crux of this entire, fucked up thing: he felt, he felt like the epics relished, like the world only dreamed, and he’d only ever cut it down, smothered it until it barely even breathed, kept it hidden and never let it loose, never let it love beyond the dark spots of his soul.

Ugh. This line from a TSN Mark/Eduardo fic is pretty much the story of my life. People say I’m cold and unfeeling a lot, but that’s not really the truth. I’m a cliche, really. I created this persona of a person who doesn’t care about people or what they think of me because it hurts less when they don’t like me that way. If no one ever gets close to me then I’m never vulnerable.
Except mostly, I just end up alone. Fuck, I’m whiny tonight.
But whatevs, I guess.