Tony: I miss him, I want him back, I never should have let him go in the first place, blah blah blah. Of course all that is obvious. But I don’t deserve him back. Lauren was right at the start of the semester: Tony has had a hard time this past year and I was part of that. He is deserving of a fresh start and a chance at moving on to a better life. He has this blonde new girlfriend and maybe she’s good for him. Maybe she’s the fucking anti-christ, but it doesn’t matter because Tony wants to be someone different up there in Ft. Wayne. He’s happier now, and as much as I would like to be part of his life, it’s just not in the cards.
Jacob: To add a confusing layer to my already-fucked-up concoction of feelings, he’s being all charming again. I keep falling back on these guys from my past because I just feel comfortable when they already know me. If they’ve known me for years because of school or whatever, then there’s little pressure to be interesting or funny. I can just slip back into the persona I adopted for school and be fine. It’s less pressure.
UPDATE: Fuck this noise. It’s too much work with this guy. Jesus, it’s like pulling teeth just getting him to come the slightest bit out of his shell. Friendship is the only thing in our future as far as I’m concerned.
OKCupid: Between Justin and Matthew and the others, I’m being pulled in like 10 different directions.
And the thing that’s the most troubling about everything is…
I’m way more gay than I thought I was.
UPDATE: Not so much anymore. Justin was terribly fucking dull and I told him to get lost. Most other have fallen by the wayside with him.
I’m finding that my tendency toward girls is getting stronger. I used to think I was a solid 85% straight, but these days it feels more like 55:45 ratio, ya know?
In summation: I’m falling apart at the seams.
Also, I’ve been hearing things. But my total and complete insanity has to be put on the back-burner. Sure, I’m batshit insane, but why dwell on that when there’s moderate romantic drama to suss out?
