No, seriously.
I think that I might be making slight perforations in the fabric of my reality. One of my favorite books is Girl, Interrupted, and in that book they say that insanity can come over you slowly or it can crash over you like a tidal wave. I feel like I’m on the slow train to crazy, but I’m getting there one day.
Sometimes I’m convinced something happened, but it didn’t. It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but if you took up residence in my head for a while you would see that I’m not being melodramatic about this shit. I could recount a dozen stories about hearing things and seeing things, but that’s all just details.
The thing that has me most convinced that I’m losing it is just my general outlook. I don’t know if that’s the right word.
I’m scared all the time is what I’m trying to say. Constantly terrified of things I don’t even believe are going to happen to me. I don’t believe in ghosts or an afterlife or monsters or anything supernatural. But I spend every waking moment waiting for something horrific and supernatural to happen to me. I keep expecting to turn a corner and suddenly be confronted with a malevolent spirit or some shit. Like the universe is dark and terrifying and it doesn’t like my disbelief, so as a “fuck you” to me, it’s going to kill me in some painful and scary way. I’m going to die scared and alone with my last thought being that it was all real and I should have known.
Anyway, that’s the cliffnotes on some of what I’m thinking right now.
No one should ever get involved with me in any fashion. I’m bad fucking news.
