I’d really just like to not be here anymore. It feels like my life is going nowhere. I just want to leave and start a new life from scratch somewhere new. I could leave Indiana, get my own place, use a new name, get some crap job where no one knows me and doesn’t bother me. If I could save up enough money, I think I would really do it. The ideal would be if I could find someone to run to. I keep hoping I’ll meet someone on okcupid who will sweep me off my feet and make running look like a viable option. Every time I message a guy or girl from far away, I hope that this is going to be the one that helps me escape my life.
Last night I had a dream that I moved to Chicago on a whim, and I contacted Miten Soni (guy from youtube I think is swell). I told him that I didn’t know anyone in the city and I would be very grateful if we could meet up and he could give me some tips on getting acclimated. Anyway, we met for coffee and he liked me (and I, of course, liked him cause he’s Miten and everyone knows I have a crush on him) and we became friends. It was excellent.
But it’s all just romantic fantasies. Real life isn’t like that and I’m no one’s dream girl. I’d settle for someone to make staying in Indiana tolerable for a while, but even that seems like a pipe dream. The only people I like in the area seem to have lost interest in me or something. And by “people” I mean”person.” I think I let him see too much of the dark in me and he decided it’s not worth it. I kinda thought he might be the one guy that’s different, but no one is really different. And no one ever really knows anyone.
That’s why I just wanna carve a little hole in the world for myself and crawl in it alone forever. Disappear.
Maybe one day soon I’ll find the courage to make good on that. I like Kentucky quite a bit.

Advertisement